The best kind of advice: unsolicited.
Jason and I will have been married five years next month. Five whole years . That’s definitely not as long as some people, but it’s respectable; especially considering all the outside drama and catastrophes we’ve weathered in that short time. I was thinking about this a lot today, and I really want to talk about that topic– marriage. So if you’ll just bear with me– I’m not an expert, at all, but there are a couple important things I’ve learned over the years. Sit down while I climb up on this soapbox, because I’m just full of tidbits on wedded bliss. Heh.
The vast majority of wisdom I’ve gleaned is obvious. Number one: marry the right person. I know. You’re like, “That’s like saying buy a wedding ring that fits.” SERIOUSLY, though, you need to marry. the. right. person. There are a lot of people I’ve seen get divorced over the years, and only 2% of those were an out of the blue surprise. The rest you could see coming at the reception.
You can’t get married because everyone else is doing it. You can’t get married because you put enough time in the relationship and want a payoff. You can’t get married because you’re pregnant, or someone is moving. You can’t get married because you want an excuse for a honeymoon. You can’t get married because You Might As Well. I’ve heard this from other couples: “Well, we were together, and… might as well.” That is a TERRIBLE reason to marry someone. I’m telling you this not to hurt your feelings, but to save you from a crappy union.
You should never half-ass the decision to spend the rest of your life with someone. Please, always go into it with the assumption it’s FOREVER. If you’re walking down the aisle thinking, “Eh, if this one sucks, I can just divorce and start over,” then you need to turn around and get out of there. Don’t be afraid to call off a wedding. If you already sent the invitations out, who cares? It’s so much better to lose that money and be a little sheepish than have to divide up all your belongings, house, pets, and kids in a divorce court.
Marry someone you like. You have to like them. I’m putting that above love, because there a lot of people I love but couldn’t stand on a daily basis. Heh. You need to enjoy them as a human being. They need to be someone you trust. Big thing: trust. Not just trust not to cheat on you, but trust that they can handle your money, raise your kids, deal with an emergency, choose the right option if you’re in a coma and the doctors want to take you off life support. You need to respect them and their decision-making. It’s a partnership above everything else. You would never go into a business with someone that you thought was going to embezzle your funds or set your warehouse on fire, and yet people do it all the time in marriages.
Talk about everything before you get married. Put it out there. I credit this as the number one reason Jason and I are still going strong: on our second date, we did the You Should Know This About Me game. We told each other EVERY potentially scary thing that would come up later. I’m not saying you need to do this immediately (second date can definitely freak some people out), but you need to do it before you propose. Things won’t just work themselves out later. You need to know if someone has a health issue, if someone wants no kids or ten kids, if someone has massive credit card debt, a criminal history, some weird perversion, if someone wants you to convert to their religion. These are big issues, and you have to talk about them; even if it isn’t fun. You need to know what deal breakers are. Everyone has a deal breaker. Find out what it is, and if you’re okay with it.
When you ARE married, you need to talk about problems that day. If you have a fight and you’re too upset– that’s fine. Walk away, drink a beer, stew. Come back when you’re sober and discuss it before you go to bed. Don’t go to bed upset. If you don’t come to a definitive conclusion, that’s fine. Get to a point where nobody is pissed off anymore, and decide what note you’re adjourning on. Like: Okay, I’m not mad anymore that you bought this TV without asking me. I’ve heard your reasons, I listened. I’m not sure we shouldn’t take it back and ask for a refund, so let’s just leave it on that and come back tomorrow.
If one person feels strongly about an issue and the other doesn’t, the strong person wins. It works for us. There’s no use fighting over something one of us only mildly cares about. If Jason wants to visit Spain and I am DYING to go to Disney World, we go to Disney World.
With kids: don’t talk smack about the other parent. Don’t undermine them. If your spouse grounds your child, they’re grounded when they come to you, too. If your spouse’s punishment is too harsh, pull the spouse aside and talk to them privately. You guys are a united front. There’s nothing wrong with questioning why your partner did what they did, but– barring some violent act or abuse that needs to be acted on THAT SECOND– you back them up and quiz them later.
Have sex. Nobody dies wishing they had less sex. I know my parents will be reading this, and my grandmother, but we’re all adults and I know they agree with me. If you can, do it. Sex as teenagers was usually terrible, and we did it ALL THE TIME. We did it in the stupidest, most awkward places, we did it badly, we got caught and we got in trouble. Now that we finally figured out how to do it and we have nice beds and hotel rooms and God’s blessing, we all have headaches. Come on.
If your spouse does something crappy, call them on it the first time. You can’t let it escalate. If your spouse says or does something that wounds you, makes you angry or resentful: TELL THEM. This is Dr. Phil of me, but it’s absolutely true– you teach people how to treat you. This needs to be your best friend and your refuge from the outside world. You both promised it to each other. It boggles my mind how cruelly I’ve seen spouses treat each other, and you need to know that’s not okay; that’s not what you agreed on, you’re worth more than that, and you WON’T put up with it. Jason has done this to me, and I’ve done it to him. You turn to them and say, seriously, “You know, don’t ever [blank] again. No.” And if they’re the person you thought they were, they won’t. It won’t GET to five years later, when you’ve put up with [blank] and it’s been eating away at you over time, and suddenly you snap.
Fight fair. If you guys didn’t resolve something, then deal with that first. If an issue is resolved, it doesn’t belong in a new argument. Arguments are between the two of you. Don’t call your friends and have them weigh in. It’s not their business. Don’t fight in front of other people. It makes your guests uncomfortable, and at least one of you will feel hurt and embarrassed that you’re airing dirty laundry like that. Don’t, don’t, DON’T bring up That One Sensitive Topic. Don’t. Everyone who is married knows what that topic is with their spouse, and it’s hitting SO below the belt. Don’t tell them they’re a horrible parent, or stupid because they never finished college, or whatever that single knife-like insult is. If you do that, you’re an asshole and you owe someone a serious apology. Don’t ever pull that again. Ever. And don’t let anyone do it to you. You sharing a vulnerability and someone you love mocking you for it is totally, completely unacceptable.
Try to have both separate and shared interests. If you don’t have anything in common, find something. Go out fishing, or dancing, or bungee jumping, or whatever. Eventually you will stumble on a mutual passion. Do things for yourself, and by yourself, and let them do things for and by themselves too. Everyone needs to evolve as a person; and you should support, not stifle, that.
When and if you have kids, you will love your kids unlike anything you’ve ever known before. And this is something I always have to tell myself– the kids will leave someday. You didn’t marry your kids. You still (hopefully) want a relationship when the youngest is off to college, so you need to keep it up in the meantime. Your children should be a result of the connection with your spouse, not THE connection.
Try to make an effort to look nice for your spouse. I’m not saying that in a 1950′s housewife way. I mean that 97% of us will do our hair, put on lipgloss or cologne, shave, pick out a sexy outfit, whatever– just to go to the grocery store. Just in the offchance that a stranger might see us and want to enjoy the view. For our spouses, though, we’re all sweatpants and no showering. Heh. You know what I mean. It’s not always easy and I know personally I’m not always in the mood, but it does make a difference. It makes me feel better when I get some mascara and cute jeans on, and I know it makes Jason happy that I want to look as nice for him as I do the checkout boy.
That’s it, off the top of my head. All I can think of. I’m sure there’s more. After I wrote this, I reread it and felt like: (A) this is all so common sense, (B) people are going to read this, all: OBVIOUSLY, and (C) people are going to be annoyed with me for being relatively young, only married a half-decade, and thinking I figured everything out. Just so everyone knows, I’m not under any illusions that I have all the answers. I’m just writing down what I know has worked for me, and what I know hasn’t, and what I’ve seen go wrong enough times to know it’s a bad move. This is me summing up five years of watching, listening, and learning in a bite-sized entry.
I would love your input, so if you have anything to add, please; feel free.
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LOVE LOVE LOVE this post Becca! Not even being married I agree with this on the basis of keeping a long going relationship a happy and satisfying one. Never marry because you feel you “should.”
One word: Amazing. Okay, just one more: TRUE!
Well, I’m not married so I don’t know what its like first hand, but I’m in a relationship and I agree with everything you said. I’ve watched people close to me do almost all of the things in this entry and they obviously never made it as a married couple. The airing the dirty laundry in front of people thing is a MAJOR don’t in my opinion. Even just in a relationship, that’s the nastiest thing you can do to someone you supposedly care about. Fighting in private is much more successful, not to mention respectful. I can’t stand the awkwardness when my friends fight with their significant others in front of me. Also, trying to get advice from outside sources (friends, family members) usually doesn’t work, because only you and your significant other are in the relationship. They don’t know the situation exactly as it is between the two of you. They just hear sides and tidbits. And that’s what I think about that!
I so agree with all of this. Waylon and I just hit 5 years of marriage yesterday. Congratulations
I don’t really know what to say, other than that you’re absolutely correct about everything. I know people married 20 years that don’t follow this advice…and they have crappy marriages.
What you say is all very true. I joke that my marriage was so short (14 months before we separated) that I have food in my pantry that outlasted it, but the reality is, it was painful. More painful was the reality that I never should have gotten married to her in the first place. I think part of the reason I did is because I had this unhealthy fear (still do) of dying alone, and because I thought I really DID want to marry her. I also want that dream -kids, a nice home, a picket fence. And yet, the writing was on the wall before we even exchanged vows that it wasn’t going to work out -she was often critical of me, but in a “humorous critical” manner, if you know what I mean, where a person can insult you in front of your friends but claim they were joking? Deep down, I knew I was making the wrong decision, but I was afraid to call the wedding off and break up with her. $30,000 and 8 months later, we were divorced (and as a law student at the time, I even represented myself, so no attorney fees!). After it was said and done, our matron of honor confided in me that she never thought my ex was right for me.
There’s so much more I want to say about this topic, but I just can’t get the words out, and really, I’m not sure it needs to be said, because you said it beautifully yourself.
As for me, I doubt very much I’ll get married again (the idea just doesn’t appeal to me anymore, even if I do meet the right person) but I would consider living with the right person.
I definitely agree with all of this. As a married person, I am always amazed by some of the ridiculous reasons people bring up for wanting to get married. Sometimes it seems like their smoke and mirrors version of what married life would be like or reasons to get married are so off (not that i’m an expert). Anyhow, I really liked this post.
This was great advice Becca. I thought of it but I’ve never put it all together in my head – there is just one thing I want to say:
Some people think they will get “a sign” when they meet the right person, like, THIS IS THE PERSON YOU WILL MARRY – Or, a “soulmate” type of feeling, like you two were destined to be together. Though I’ve heard this often, I have to say this when this advice was given to me, I felt like it just made more sense.
Basically, there is no sign, no guarantee – you make your own guarantee, you make it work – you DECIDE that this person is the person you want to be with forever and you make sure to treat them fairly, and right, and to love them and cherish them. If you do not want to work at it, then you will fail. You make your own guarantee.
Of course, the TWO people have to work at it or else one person gets the short end of the stick and eventually the marriage ends.
I’m not married and the longest relationship I’ve ever been in lasted just over a year, but… great advice! I’m always surprised how many people don’t treat each other with basic kindness. You may have been married “only” five years, but you obviously know how to make it work, more so than a lot of people who’ve been married longer. Congratulations to you and Jason!
Got any advice on sharing money and sharing chores?
Great entry.
Don’t second guess, it is really well put together and I’m sure a LOT of people will find it helpful! It’s great you have this wisdom this early on “in your journey”….
Great post, Becca! It made me think a lot. I’m not married, not engaged, but in a relationship since four years. It’s not easy to figure out if marrying would be the right thing, but we take our time. i know that you knew when you met jason that you would marry him, but do you think everyone who meets the “right person” just knows this?
We have two rules in our relationship that I think are very important: (I don’t know if i can say it in english, but i just try:) If we had an argument over something and worked it out, we don’t take it “out of the box” later. For example if he comes 15 minutes late and i tell him it hurts me when he lets me wait, and he apologizes and i forgive him, i don’t say a week later, when he’s late again: “you’re always late, remember, last saturday …” when we worked something out, it’s ok. it’s not forgotten, but forgiven, and we don’t use against each other.
second rule: no “power games”. i mean, i don’t do something just to see if he does what i want him to do.
We have arguments, but these two rules help that the fights never get just rude and mean. We love each other, even if we fight. And i think words have such a power, even if you forgive what the other said during an argument, maybe there remains a wound that hurts for a long time.
I don’t disagree with what you’ve said, but I do think that it varies from couple to couple. I have friends who did all of what you’ve said above and still split after a couple of years of marriage, and others that fight real bad and go for days not talking, but maintain that they are happy eight or nine years down the line. We’re individuals, and as such so are our relationships.
Take me: I’ve been married to M for seven years, and together for fourteen. We actually *did* have that, “Hmm, shall we get married then?” conversation because it’s actually kind of scary to think that, at 17, I met the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Totally bizarre. We had a conversation because, played down and a little informal, it was the only way we could deal with it. It shocked us; it shocked us that even though I’d moved away for three years, two hundred miles away, all we wanted was each other. I didn’t think that that happened outside of romance books. It scared the sh*t out of me.
M and I are a team, both as parents and as a marriage. I think I’m high maintenance and a little f*cked up, and M tells me that while that’s probably true, I’m worth maintaining. He is undoubtedly my very best friend and the absolute love of my life. And I think we work because despite everything else that happens and the mistakes we make, neither of us ever forget that.
V xx
p.s. Eep – sorry for the length!!
Vic and I practice every single one of your points and compared to a lot of couples I’ve known, we’re doing very well! It IS common sense but it’s still hard for people to grasp the principles of a happy marriage. You can’t be overly stubborn and selfish in a marriage. It just won’t work out!
Good job =]
Becca I love what you said about don’t get married because “we might as well” or because you’re pregnant. I have so many friends doing both those things right now and it’s just sad. Like I wouldn’t buy a car I didn’t want to be stuck with for the next 5-10 years, so why are people marrying other people they really don’t want to be stuck with?
Fantastic advice. Jason & Becca 4 Eva.
Love this advice. Concise and to the point. And I know I’m a little early, but in case i forget: happy anniversary, Becca and Jason!
My mom always told me to marry someone that makes me laugh (not just that, but that had to be a big thing). I did marry someone who makes me laugh and we have fun!!
I am sure 90% of the people at our reception didn’t think we would last, we have been married almost 9 years and are still very happy. I didn’t get married to get divorced. It’s not an option unless it is the last option.
Thank you, Becca. It may seem like common sense, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth saying.
I loved this! Yes, common sense, but it’s good to have a reminder. I especially liked the part about evolving as a person. It helps keep life interesting. It’s so easy to lose yourself and get caught up in the everyday chaos of having small children and forget that there was ever a time before, especially when you’re sleep deprived and exhausted and it becomes SO easy to snap at your hubby.
Speaking from personal recent experience here.
dear becca,
everything you said is so right. i have experimented a lot of this myself on my skin so i agree with you but even though my husband and i have been together for 6 and half years, we have been married since only 1 year and a few months, living together since 2 and half but it seems things changed a lot since we married even if we still live together and live the same life. you’re married since 5 years and i look up at you because it’s a big goal. sure someone might say it’s not a lot, but to me it’s a big success and i read everything you wrote and i will keep everything in mind, not only now, but specially in the moments i really need that like when we’re fighing and i’d like to throw dishes at him instead of discussing lmao.
i totally agree on this “Your children should be a result of the connection with your spouse, not THE connection”. it scared me a lot when in the past my husband and i had little issues and he was like “if we had a child everything would be better” because children dont solve problems, they are just a beautiful addiction to our love, in those moments i stopped TTC so hard and waited for us to be in love as before and now that we’re in one of those blessed moments, it’s the right time- well, i hope Mr.Baby comes SOMEDAY since we’ve been TTC for one year now, sigh. yesss… still no success.
I also agree Sex is important and we need to separate life and sexual life and find our intimacy moments for sex. I also always try to look pretty, with nice clothes and make up, sure he still sees me in my big silly pijiamas but i can’t be a playmat 24/7 lol, during the day i am a wife everyone would be happy to have- from the outside. from the inside, oh well, we’re all crazy haha, let’s just chose the one who can handle with it. MUCH LOVE darling.
VIXX,
i respect you for being with a person for so long and having such a long marriage but you can’t tell that the couple of friends you know have tried everything becca said and it didn’t work out anyways BECAUSE seriously you NEVER know what other couples go through not even if you’re close friends because only the two know, you know, it’s not only the things you do, it’s the things you feel, the way you chose to act with the other, what happens between four walls, it’s just THEIR business and you will never know what they really did before they split.
i actually think it’s all great advice, especially the children advice. i don’t like when a couple makes their whole world their children & they forget about each other – it’s actually a HUGE pet peeve of mine (the Bible even instructs spouses to put each other FIRST before the children).
one thing that works for billy & i (and we’re not married yet, but heading that way) is that even though we’re both stubborn and sometimes we are both crappy to each other, we’re INCREDIBLY understanding of the other person’s crappy moods because we have that in common. does that make sense? like… sometimes i just let him be a buttface (he might be snappy or not very romantic that day) because i know there are some days i want to be a buttface (not shower, not be touched, etc.) to just *let* the other person have a bad day once in a while seems to really keep them from being grouchy often.
another big thing i think is key for a marriage to work is how you get *through* the fights (not how many you have). how you get through them, how long they last, how you finish them – i think those are all “signs” of how your marriage will turn out.
love this! happy anniversary in advance to you two as well
Happy (early) anniversary.
I wish a couple of my friends had read this before they got married…
I found your blog awhile ago via Bianca (we are old Naples friends) and I must admit, I have been a blog stalker until now. You make some wonderful points about marriage. My husband and I have been together for 8 1/2 years, married for almost three, and not once have we ever gone to bed mad at each other. (this does sometimes lead to really late nights, but it’s an unspoken understanding between us) And even if we don’t always agree on the matter before going to bed, by the time we wake up, we’re too busy relishing in how much we love each other that we have forgotten what we were arguing about! One thing I would add is that you need to always let your S.O. know, everyday, how much he/she means to you, and realize how lucky you are to have him/her. (maybe this is sentimental me talking b/c my hubby has been deployed for 13 months!)
Thanks Becca for giving me a blog to read (now everyday!) that shows what a loving American family can be like. I hope that when I have children I can be as wonderful a mother as you and still maintain such a wonderful marriage. Happy early anniversary!
Very good advice and lots of wisdom in this post! Hope it helps others. That said… I do have some thoughts to add.
Every relationship (spousal, paternal, sibling, etc.) is different. While there are general things that are “truisms” for relationships, none are equations. “This” plus “that” does not always equal “what it should be” – or “what we want it to be.”
One of those things, as Chris said, is the difference between what you do and how you feel. They tend to feed one another at different times, but sometimes one is just not in sync with the other – for a short while of for… years / decades. The best advice I have there is to just try to be honest with one another about how you think and feel.
Another consideration is the variable of time. It works for and against a relationship, alternately bringing couples into a sense of security or a sense of “sameness.” The mix may also change at year 10, 15, 20, etc. My advice there is to try to hold on to the security while bringing in activities that stretch life out of sameness.
The last point I can think about right now is that the set of “marital issues” are likely to change over time. Money may be one source of tension in early married life. There may also be a time of getting used to the other person’s habits and moods. Both may actually disappear almost completely over time. Other issues, however, are likely to arrive that normally do not pop up early in a marriage.
Some issues that I can think of right away are care of elderly parents, post-retirement expectations, “mid-life crisis,” medical conditions or just aging. Each of these things may bring different tensions and feelings into life as a marriage matures. The advice there is to lean on your friendship, be honest, and protect your marriage against outside pressures (like in-laws who need your help!).
I’m touched and proud of you for all this great advice! Just want to add some comments. Hope they help…
Love you – dearly!
DasDaddy
True enough. But by that wisdom, you don’t know that the couples who purport ‘rules’ (small R, Becca
) such as Becca suggests are all happy and smiles – for you’d not know the truth, either. I can only talk from my own experience, which I did do.
V xx
I agree with you about the equations– although I think you can make a pretty good guess about what DOESN’T work. Like “this plus this” might not equal a great relationship, but “that plus that” almost always equals a bad one. Heh. YOU know what I mean. Love plus trust will not always equal eternal bliss, but boredom plus resentment will equal suck.
Very true about the changing martial issues. And I LOVE YOU TOO!
Remind me to thank Bianca for a new online friend!
Congrats on the 8.5 years– that’s wonderful! I completely agree about the telling each other you love them. It’s SO true. Even when you’re just saying the words out of habit, they’re still being said. It never hurts to hear them.
Very nice to ‘meet’ you, by the way! I’m so glad you came out of lurking.
Great comment.
I came in on this after the fact, so just thanks everyone for being so awesome and civil… I love hearing from everyone, even if we have differing viewpoints. Yeah, we never know why anyone splits, and there are exceptions to every generalization. I should just say most people doing most of these things will be happy most of the time. Heh.
YES YES & YES. Amen.
Just replying to say MEGGAN! I missed you!
It’s so nice to hear from you again.
Congrats to you and Waylon!
You totally beat us! Hee.
I am printing this and forcing my hubby to read it.
Haha, thanks. I suddenly went back to lurking after being COMMENTER #1 for a while. Not sure what happened. I abandoned my website too, so there’s that.
I have to say, this really helped me. I am in a rut with my boyfriend and have been dating for over a year. He has been married before, and I am so ready to take the next step with him and at LEAST get engaged, but the very mention of marriage he gets cranky and clams up. In the beginning, we talked about marriage all the time and it was ok… we have a tentative date set, and its like, if it comes up its the devil!!! LOL… any advice??? =(
Semi-unsolicited advice to “Sarah & Logan:”
You may have meant advice from my daughter, but… you did not specify. She may have other wise words. Here are some thoughts from my end. I may be wrong, but my intentions are to help!
He is probably not ready to be married again. He probably loves you and “wants to be ready.” That is why it may seem like he is sending mixed messages. The problem is that wanting to feel a certain way does not make it happen.
Provided this is true, he is likely as frustrated as you in discussing the subject. He does not want to ruin your relationship but is just not ready.
Engagement sounds like a compromise but is not a good option. That is one more step towards marriage. That’s not a healthy step if he is not convinved he wants to head that direction.
Again, if this is all true, you would probably be best to assume he will not change anytime soon. He may – but it is best to just start with that assumption. Take it off of a timeline. Concentrate on the journey and the signposts without the stress of times and dates.
What is his level of committment to you? Is this a sign he is really not that committed (and a warning) or is he just not where you are in the process of determining the level of mutual committment for a lifetime? How does he fell about the institution of marriage? Is it about marriage and not about you? What do you feel is appropriate (today and later) as a committment on his part for whatever level of closeness you have decided to share?
I’m not offering answers or direct advice. These are just some thoughts to consider.
Best wishes. Sincerely!
DasDaddy
I haven’t commented in a long time but I just absolutely loved this post. Even though I’m not married, my boyfriend and I plan to settle down together one day after we finish school and become more stable in our lives and this was really just great to read. I found myself smiling and nodding along with all of it.
I really agree with whoever said it’s not how many fights you have but how you get through them. You really do have to fight fair and COMMUNICATE – we’ve both learned through the course of our relationship that bottling things up does us absolutely no good. We don’t go to bed angry either. As someone else said, it really does create long nights sometimes – I’ve gone into work the next day very drained and exhausted numerous times, but it’s worth it to fall asleep facing him and feeling at peace, not with my back turned to him and angry. I also agree that it’s important to have things in common. We have both found that we really enjoy playing video games together, watching certain TV shows, etc. and it’s really enjoyable to share those activities together after our long days. Having activities and interests to share together really helps us bond and feel closer together, but we also have our own separate interests that help us grow individually as people which is also very important.
I know I’m young, but I was in a four year relationship prior to this one. And if I could recommend any advice to anyone, it would be to view your relationship as a team. Your significant other isn’t referred to as a “partner” for nothing. Relationships aren’t all sunshine and flowers – they take a lot of work and one person can’t do it alone, both of you really have to work at it together.
You are right, I have a timeline set on it. I do need to let that go, but its part of my compulsion to correctly format my life if that makes any sense. He is very commited, he and I live together, we have a joint checking account, he is very involved with my daughter Logan, he and I own a car together, our insurance is in our names together, its pretty committed. His thoughts on marriage are a little hindered, since his ex wife only married him to have a wedding and because it was the “laguna beach thing to do”, so he has his reservations. He assures me that I am the one he wants to be with. Like I said, he blows hot and cold though. Last night, he said, it isnt that he is scared to get married, he just isnt ready yet, and he dosent feel the urge to do it yet. Another large part of it is collectively, he and I dont make much money. He does, he works for the city of VA Beach, but I am a title clerk for a local boat dealership and I am the one with the weak paycheck, so he is pulling the weight that I cant. I know he wants to be more financially stable. I love him for that, for not wanting to have to stuggle. He wants to be able to give Logan a good life, and at this point in the game, its not happening due to finances. Wow, I guess I kinda solved my own problem. Oh goodness, its just hard, I want to be married and he dosent at the moment, and its just very hard.