You know how you always hear about and focus on the negative things people toss at each other– racial slurs, girls calling their friends bitches and whores– but people throw around a lot of positive things too. I say I love you SO EASILY. The more you say it, the more it becomes commonplace. I have to stop myself from tacking it onto phone conversations: “Hey, I’d like to order a pizza?– Um, just cheese. Large. Yeah, you have my address.– Okay, thirty minutes? Awesome. LOVE YOU.” I was just writing a message to an online guy friend, and I got to the end, and was like, “So– just hit me up later. I love you.” It occurred to me what I wrote before I sent it, THANK GOD. I’m sure some guys would have blown it off, but I imagine with this particular guy, it would have gotten Weird quick. And that’s not even what I mean to say. It’s a habit. I love you becomes anything good: you make a nice pizza, thank you for giving me my movie ticket, I’m glad you let me merge on the highway, nice shoes, you have a good sense of humor. I LOVE YOU. Then when it becomes time you really, really LOVE someone, you have to come up with a new word for it. New ways to express it. And when I’m typing ‘you’ here, I actually mean ‘me’. This is just something I noticed about myself recently. I think that’s why when I sit down to actually tell someone how I feel about them– write a birthday entry to my kids, an anniversary letter to my husband, even an email to a beloved friend– it gets longer and more saccharine and flowery, because I have to EXPLAIN the concept of love. Not just, Jason, I love you, but Jason, I like when your hair sticks up in the back after you cut it and you frown at yourself in the mirror trying to push it down and you always purse your lips together when you check yourself out and I like that I can say honest things to you and you listen even if it’s mean and you let me gossip without telling me it’s bad and you trust me enough to let me do my own things even if they seem stupid to you and I like the way you tell stories and your hands when you draw and I like that you eat as much cereal as me and you let me watch my TV shows first and you go to work and provide for our family even though you get sick and tired and you’re a good father and I have faith in you and I know you won’t ever hurt me. These are all things I notice about you and that I enjoy, and that make me want to be with you.
GUESS WHAT. This post just published instead of saved, so it wasn’t even done yet, and now you guys are reading it. EEPS. Okay, well, let’s just roll with the punches. Heh. I’m going to do an ongoing entry all day. I’ll just add tidbits to it as things happen. Right now I have to hop in the shower, and then I have a Halloween party meeting with my neighbor. I’ll be back in a few hours, so meet me here, and we’ll catch up. I LOVE YOU.
UPDATE #1 @ 1:09 PM:
TA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
That’s the post-shower shot. If you’re wondering what the before was, just think Gollum. It’s a miraculous improvement.
I’m supposed to head over there at 2, so I actually have a little bit of free time. Here are some random topics to amuse and inform you:
- Got an email today from Elias’ teacher– we have our first conference coming up. On my birthday. So this will either make the day that much better, or put a damper on it; depending on how much she likes my kid. It sounds positive so far, though: “I look forward to talking with about Elias. He is such a sweet little boy!!” Fingers crossed.
- My contacts are KILLING me. I’ve had these two-week disposables far past their expiration date because I have a hard time spending money on myself, even if it’s medical and necessary. I finally made an appointment this week because I’d like to be able to see when we go to the fair. I’d like to experience ALL the wonder. Heh. Jason apparently didn’t know what went into a typical eye exam, because he was like, “You’re going to need Becky Jo to drive after that.” Me: “… Why?” Jason: “I thought they needed to put drugs in your eyes to make you temporarily blind.” WHAT. WHY WOULD– WHAT?
- I’m very excited about the time change in a few weeks, because my watch will finally be right again.
- Hit the worst wall with my novel. I told Michelle about it over the phone, and was like, “AND THEN, AND THEN–” and she kept gasping and gasping, and then she finally asked, “Then what? How does this end? HOW CAN THIS POSSIBLY RESOLVE ITSELF?” Precisely. I’ve written myself into a corner. I think the zombies are just going to eat everyone.
- Have been listening to a lot of Bright Eyes. My favorite video right now is Easy/Lucky/Free. When I showed it to Jason, I said, “He looks like Peter Petrelli, Season One, right?” Jason only kind of saw it. I think HE’S temporarily blind.
- Eat some food, come back, I’ll be here, I love you.
UPDATE #2 @ 4:24 PM:
JET SET JET SET JET SET RADIO!
Addie playing Jet Set Radio Future:
Elias, two minutes after he got home from school:
Elias doing his sort of weird Camera Smile:
Me, nine seconds before I accidentally dropped my laptop on the ground:
No one tell Jason, okay?
The Halloween meeting went pretty well, considering my preparation was just getting a pad of paper and a glowing skeleton pen. I think we can hash something out in the next few days. Mostly we just need food and tables. And things to do. So– you know, we’re almost there.
BECKY JO IS CALLING! AFK. BRB. Heart.
UPDATE #3 @ 6:25 PM:
JASON: We’re out of bread. Why don’t I just run up to Harris Teeter and get some?
BECCA: Why don’t I just run up? I didn’t blow-dry my hair for nothin’. CHECK IT.
JASON: It’s in a ponytail.
BECCA: Well, it was down earlier, and it was glorious. So let me go to the store.
JASON: No, I’m going.
BECCA: Not in that, you’re not.
JASON: What?
BECCA: Basketball shorts and a running shirt? It doesn’t even match.
JASON: So?
BECCA: That’s like me wearing pajama pants and slippers.
JASON: People do that.
BECCA: No.
JASON: But–
BECCA: No.
JASON: But maybe I’m not just going to Harris Teeter. Maybe I’m going somewhere else first.
BECCA: Where, to a WALLYBALL TOURNAMENT?
JASON: WALLYBALL?!?
BECCA: …
JASON: …
BECCA: … Wait, that’s a real sport, isn’t it?
(It’s going to just keep coming like this. 24 hours of nonsense.)
PS: I love you.
UPDATE #4 @ 7.47 PM:
We were pulling into the Harris Teeter parking lot for an evening drink run. I was telling Jason about an Oprah episode I’d seen on etiquette, and he said he remembered the beginning, but had to leave to get me Diet Pepsi. “Much as I’m doing now,” he joked. “I’m your soda slave.” We laughed. He found a spot, and had just hit the breaks.
The cell phone rang. Jason glanced down at it. “Huh. 571. Should I answer it?”
Me: “Yeah, go ahead.”
He put it to his ear. “Hello?… Oh, hi, Mom.”
And then I heard Sharman crying, and I knew exactly what happened, before anything else was said. Jason’s gradmother, Mamaw, had passed away.
Bad news never comes when you’re prepared– it always sneaks in to unsuspecting, mundane moments. Tuesday night in the grocery store parking lot.
Mamaw had been sick for awhile– Sharman was taking time off to stay with her in Arizona. She was stable, last time we checked– maybe three, four days ago. I listened to Sharman, the static of her sniffling, and watched Jason fidget absently as he absorbed the news; his skin glowing white under the fluorescent overhead lights. People passed outside the car, pushing their carts. Laughing, angry. Opening and shutting car doors. “Is there anything we can do…?” Jason began, and then paused. Sharman talked. “Okay,” he said. “Okay. I’ll talk to you later, Mom.”
When he hung up, he turned to me. “It’s just– such a… a surprise,” he said. And then, after a breath, “I’m gonna go get your drinks, okay?”
I’m writing this from the powder room while he waits for me on the couch. I think I’m signing off for the night. Thank you all for spending the day with me; through the bright stupid moments and this surprise tragic twist. We’ve been throwing around the love thing a lot as a joke, but in total seriousness: please send your warm thoughts to Sharman tonight. She is amazing woman, mother, mother-in-law, and daughter, and could use all the support the universe has to offer right now.
;)
