This is what Addie announced to us at 10 last night; jogging into our room in all her delicious toddler glory, no taller than the doorknob: “i need a bitch prize.”

Jason and I were mid-trading gossip. We both glanced at each other, and I started laughing. “You need a WHAT?” I asked.

“bitch. prize.”

“Okay, that’s what I thought I heard. Um.” Jason has his hand over his mouth. Then I prod, “A what?”

“i told you! where dey are? were my bitch prize go? you say i have my bitch prize and i no have dem, MOMMY,” the last word an accusatory barb. And then the hands go on the hips. “MOMMY,” she repeats, glaring. “MOMMY YOU NO LET ME HAVE MY BITCH PRIZE.”

I think I’m going to pass out from trying so hard not to crack up. “I’m not just hearing this, right?” I say to Jason. “You’re hearing what I’m hearing?”

“I’m hearing our daughter swear at you,” he says.

“i had my bitch prize at da storey,” she says, slowly and oozing frustration. “i put da bitch prize– i know! downstairs! in da kitchen! that’s where da bitch prize is!”

OH MY GOSH I KNOW WHAT SHE’S SAYING. “FRENCH FRIES?” I gasp.

“YES!” She sighs. “that’s what i say to you mommy. BITCH. PRIZE. i can have some bitch prize now?”

“Yes, sure, absolutely,” I assure her. Jason is giggling in the background. It’s the same type of giggle he does when someone gets hit in the crotch on ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’. “Please stop saying it. You’re killing me. You’re killing your father.”

“okay,” she agrees. She claps her hands together. “i no say it mommy. i no say da bitch prize. i no say it. thank you mommy! thank you for da bitch prize! mmm! bitch prize! i love da bitch prize! i so happy for da bitch prize! YAY BITCH PRIZE!”

Midway through this I was like, I need to record this, and hopefully I can get her near the mic on here soon. It is INSANE the way she says it. I mean, if you repeat Bitch Prize out loud, you can definitely hear where a three-year-old would think she was saying the right thing. So close. But so very, very wrong.

(EDIT: I DID IT. She came down to go to the bathroom, and I asked her to repeat it into my laptop mic.)

I’m really pretty excited for right now. I know that’s kind of a random thing to share, but I feel like most of my life has been waiting until this point. Our kids are this perfect age, we have money, our house is coming together. It’s good. I’m overwhelmed by how lucky and blessed we are– it’s been a long road, but hey, sixth anniversary and things are on the upswing. The only major issue we need to work on is health. And it’s major. We’ve become pretty sedentary, and we eat terribly. I actually mentioned to J that I’m a book elitist while most of my friends are food elitists. Sometimes I’ll see a buddy with ‘Twilight’, and I’m like, “Why are you putting that crap in your body?” But I’m sure they look at me and my corn dogs and nachos and feel the same way. Heh.

Jason and I decided that we’d make a real push to change our bodies around here, both in exercise and what we’re eating. So. I went to Trader Joe’s for the first time tonight. Okay, not the first time– once I followed Erin in while she picked out wine for an event she was attending. But it was my first time actually shopping. Everything looked SO GOOD. As much as I love my junk food, I really really love grains and fruits. I focused on the packages, trying not to look too much at the other customers or react with jaw drops at the prices. Play it cool. You do this all the time. $4 for a 6 ounce box of organic apple granola cereal? Yeah, throw it in the cart. Oh, what’s that? Hemp tortilla chips with black sesame? Of course it’s legal. It’s Trader Joe’s.

By the time I pushed my cart to the register, I noticed that people don’t seem to SHOP there. I was the only one with a full cart, and my cart could only hold maybe three bags worth of groceries. Most people were just picking up a handful of items. I’m totally doing this wrong. When I check out, the lady is really nice but seems shocked by the endless supply of items I have in my cart. I am, too. I know I’m not the only person that gets at least one surprise as you unload that thing. I’m like, Where did you come from, panini?

Go home. Eat. Try a little bit of almost everything. OH THE GRANOLA CEREAL WAS SO WORTH IT. OHHH YES. It is officially better than nachos. OFFICIALLY. Elias reports to Jason afterwards on the couch: “Some things were very good. Some things were very gross. It was kinda a thumbs up AND thumbs down.”

The other half of our plan was to buy a Wii Fit tonight and get on that. Jason’s brother Jacob sent us the P90X system to get into shape, but it’s pretty hardcore, and it’s assuming you’re in shape to begin with. You need to pass a test just to be able to use it. So we thought– start small. Both of us like the idea of buying bikes and trailers this summer, when the weather is warmer, and in the meantime, we’ll do the Fit indoors. Only one Best Buy has them, and we go in the opposite direction for Trader Joe’s. Jason tries another Best Buy, Circuit City, and Toys R Us. No luck. Boo. Maybe tomorrow.

I promised Elias when we bought the Fit we’d pick him up a special ‘I Spy’ computer game too. Because! ELIAS GOT HIS FIRST REPORT CARD TODAY! That kid is getting spoiled for rocking it in the educational arena. I called my mom to tell her he’d gotten straight A’s (or the numerical equivalent; this grading system is a little weird), and that he was reading at a very high level and was “a role model for others” and to “keep up the excellent work!”. Areas for improvement: NONE NOTED. That’s right. NONE NOTED. I was such an awful student through the last half of my school career, and I feel bad for my mom that she had to get such lousy reports home. As awesome as it is to hear your kid is succeeding, it has to be twice as bad to know your kid is choosing to fail.

I already told Elias he’s going to MIT. He said okay.

Not much else to report. Oh wait. There is. Um, I’m getting both the kids into sports. Elias is signing up for T-ball when registration opens in a few days, and I’m still picking out where Addie is going to do gymnastics. Getting them into something social and active was always a priority when we could afford it, and now that we can– well, it’s time. As we slowly build up finances, it’s amazing what you decide you still want, and what you’re suddenly unwilling to spend money on. Heh. Living in luxury is better in theory.

The last thing was a random conversation between Jason and I. He said he was telling people at work about ‘Mad Men’, and how it won a bunch of prizes, and they were the Legitimate Prizes. “Wouldn’t it be cool,” he said, “if you wrote a book that won the Pulitzer, which then went on to become a movie that won the Oscar for Best Picture, and then the soundtrack won a Grammy, then it became a miniseries that won an Emmy, which then turned into a play which won the Tony?”

“That would be RIDICULOUS,” I said. Then: “I’d get my own page on Wikipedia for sure. If you typed in ‘winning at life’, it would redirect there.”