I just got home from two days in Virginia, and I have SO much to say, but I just have to write a quick entry tonight and tell you to please, please not watch ‘The Watchmen’. Dear GOD. Do NOT watch this film. It’s, like, in the top three worst movies ever made. It’s so bad it actually made me infuriated when I left the theater; like I just got tricked out of precious hours of my life. If someone reads this and wants to comment that I should read the comic, DON’T BOTHER. I don’t care if you liked the comic, and if it would make everything make so much more sense if I read the comic. If that’s your argument, it’s a crap one. Seriously. I should not HAVE to read something else which is, according to fanboys, exactly the same as what I just watched in order to enjoy a film. That means the film fails. Period.

I am going to spoil you all over the place, so if you don’t want to know what a total blow this thing is, don’t read. Just save your money, though. Seriously. Please. Michelle at the end summed up her feelings with: “The joke is on ME for buying a ticket to this piece of shit. Oh, and FUCK Y’ALL. I’m out.” PRETTY. MUCH.

Yeah. I am– woah. I have never been so angry about a film. It’s not so much that the film sucked– because, whatever films suck– as the fact that there are semi-rational people thinking there is ANYTHING REDEEMING ABOUT THIS and trying to pass it off as a remotely interesting or worthwhile form of entertainment. There is NOTHING to glean from this film. Nothing. It’s a total waste of celluloid. I saw it with Shells and Becky Jo. We all wanted to leave the theater, and we all sat there, thinking the other two people were enjoying it, too nice to say Can we please get the F out of here? Like– what. WHAT. This film overexplains boring and obvious concepts, and refuses to touch on anything even remotely interesting. Let’s go back to an alternate 1985 and have Nixon still be in office. Oh, and we won Vietnam. OH. And also, we have superheros. And also the Cold War is here, and we’re all worried about a nuclear bomb being dropped on us. The stage is set. And it’s a fairly interesting stage, and that’s why I feel so totally gypped. You HAD A DECENT PLOT. And this is what you gave us:

BORING ASS superheroes, that had not a single superpower. Which would be kind of a nice spin if they were, say, real people. Real people fighting crime and dealing with NOT being super would be cool. No. We don’t get that. We get a bunch of completely cartoonish, flat, and forgettable characters. Hot Girl, Guy Who Kills Babies, Nice Guy Who Wears Glasses, Guy With a Mask, Super Effeminate Evil Villian, and Blue Dude Whose Penis I Have To See For Three Hours. Yeah– the blue dude? Dr. Manhattan? Is completely naked. And sometimes he duplicates himself. And he has absolutely nothing interesting to say, and he talks in a monotone, so of course everything he’s on screen walking around with his junk dangling GUESS WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING AT. Dr. Manhattan was another complete waste of an idea. He’s so above humankind he doesn’t care about it. The End. He used to be human, now he’s not because he gained magic powers from an electric accident that not a SINGLE PERSON has tried to replicate since. (You know this machine gives people the power to transport and stop bombs and see the future, and yet NO ONE. NO ONE. tries to do it too. What.) He spends all his time thinking. He has a picture of an old girlfriend that he stares at, and he thinks some more. He is totally above us. You can all die, for all he cares. Also, here’s his blue penis in your face again.

We get a bad guy, the Comedian, who is so bad that he kills women pregnant with his baby, beats and attempts to brutally rape another superhero, lights people on fire for fun, guns down innocent crowds, and totally hits on his own daughter. Oh, a bad superhero? It would be interesting IF I CARED. He is SO over-the-top in his need to shock that he loses all interest. It’s like that dude everyone knows who always says the most offensive thing he possibly can, because PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME. You don’t even care about him getting comeuppance after awhile. You just want him off the screen. And he has no personality whatsoever except he’s Bad. That’s it. That’s all we know about him. He’s completely predictable in his evilness. The three of us took turns guessing what he would do or say in any given situation, and we were right 100% of the time. None of the other superheros ever attempt to stop his murderous rampage; they all stand around being like, “Commmedian! Come on, that’s not cool!” and he’s all like, “LIFE IS JUST A BIG JOKE AND HUMANS AND THEIR INHERIT SAVAGERY IS THE PUNCHLINE!” Except nobody is savage except this dude. And that doesn’t even make sense. None of the Profound Voice Overs make any sense if you actually LISTEN to them. They’re boomed over in these raspy, solemn voices with all these Comic Book Morals. There’s the other thing. This movie just can’t decide if it wants to be a hackneyed comic book or parody them, and so it strikes this awful mismatched tone where sometimes it’s so campy you feel like it’s a joke they’re in on, and then it switches a minute later, and they were all, “WE’RE SERIOUS. THIS IS THE WATCHMEN. BASED ON THE BEST NOVEL OF YOUR WHOLE LIFE.”

The girls in the movie are either morons or sluts, or moronic sluts. There are so many examples of this it was hard to narrow it down, but the main superhero female in the movie was a shining example. Here is a girl who pushes a button with a picture of FIRE on it, and when FIRE shoots out of the vehicle, she is SHOCKED. The fire button makes fire? “I didn’t know!” she whine-apologizes as Nice Wimp Guy comes down to help her put it out. She’s trying to put it out with her jacket, and there’s a fire extinguisher RIGHT BEHIND HER. I wish I was making this up. I’m not. It is FOUR FEET AWAY, and this chick is using her jacket. And then she totally has sex with the Nice Wimp Guy, even though she broke up with Dr. Manhattan all of last scene.

She and her mom– the main female characters– were like every ridiculous men-writing-women stereotype in the book. COME ON GUYS. I swear to God. You could expand your audience SO MUCH if you just made a respectable ATTEMPT to figure out what girls were like, instead of making us all weepy, stupid, prostitutes, or evil bitches. Trust me, girls would be all over comic books if you extended an olive branch. What we have in this film are women who all need a man, ANY MAN, to take care of them. They’re dumb as bricks, and/or are trashy hookers who slap their kids and get beaten by their husbands. WHAT IS THERE TO RELATE TO. F’YALL, for real.

So much violence. So much needless violence, which of course token douchebags in the audience cheered for. Guy getting a hatchet to the head seven times? AWESOME, right? How about watching people burn alive? Or explode in a splatter of guts? Also, can we kidnap and butcher a little girl, and feed her legs to the dogs? Let’s also have NONE of this forward the plot in any way! OH. AND. THERE IS NO PLOT TWIST A PERSON WITH AN IQ OVER 50 WILL NOT SEE COMING. Everyone in this film acts shocked every time the most OBVIOUS THING is revealed. The Comedian is my DAD? Sob sob sob! My whole life is a JOKE! A CRUEL JOKE! (Don’t get me even started on this shitty dialogue. My ears were bleeding.) Dude, EVERYONE knew the Comedian was your dad. They foreshadowed this in every possible way. Of course, this is the chick who was shocked when a fire button made fire, so– yeah. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. And the sinister looking superhero is– SURPRISE!– really a sinister superhero? YOU DON’T SAY. Is he going to tell me his evil plan in his secret lair with a huge pet cat that he can stroke in a sinister manner? HE IS? FANTASTIC. And there is this sex scene that even people who refuse to admit what a TOTAL FREAKING LOAD OF CRAP this film was will say was awful. It was like seven minutes long. Long slow pans up and down these naked bodies. With a BUTCHERED version of ‘Hallelujah’ over top of it. WE GET IT. SEX. And right at the moment of climax, we get the worst orgasm euphemism ever when a big red stream of fire shoots out of the plane they’re sexing in. Becky Jo said that she was surprised they didn’t just cut to someone squeezing a Twinkie, which was the most disgustingly awesome hilarious thing I have ever heard. I have never even heard her make a dirty joke before in a decade. It was amazing.

And this is the other amazing thing: I AM TOTALLY THIS TARGET AUDIENCE. I don’t want anyone being all, “Well, you’re just not [whatever] and that’s why you don’t like it,” unless you are replacing [whatever] with [stupid], in which case I wholeheartedly agree. I loved ’300′. I’m writing a novel about zombies being chopped to bits, so I’m not queasy with bloodshed. I read comics, and I run with a comic book crowd. I enjoy most dark humor, and alternate political universe concepts. Ordinary, even bad heroes? Bring it! I liked EVERYTHING the base of this film was. I went in prepared to enjoy it, and I just walked out feeling like, “….” And then I was like, “!!!!” If I can stop even ONE of you from squandering an afternoon in a theater with this load of suck, then I’ll feel like I accomplished something. Please. PLEASE. You won’t even know what’s going on until the last thirty minutes of the movie, and which time you won’t care, because everyone is bland and stupid and you just want to get out of the theater so you can complain about what a trainwreck this whole thing was. PLEASE DROP A BOMB ON EVERYONE. Can we leave now?

Whatever. I had to get that off my chest. I feel so much better.

I’m working on getting the new theme up and running, hopefully by tomorrow– again– just got home– and I have so many pictures, so many not-angry stories to share, so much NEWS to tell you. It’s all going to be a lot lighter from here on out, but I couldn’t wait. This review needed to be posted tonight. Heh. Also, my brother is having his baby tomorrow morning, so by the time I update again, I should be an aunt. Which is making me all “!!!” again, but in a good way.