QUOTE 1.

Set-up: Jason downloaded indie games onto the 360 for Elias, and promptly began a speech about how he should make a game, and how good it would be, and etc. I concur. He follows me upstairs, talking about his game. As I climb into bed, he asks if I can help him with the storyline for a kid’s plot.

Pay-off:

ME: I don’t do kid’s stories, though. I never have. Even when I was little, like Eli’s age, I used to write adult stories. Like about people dying of cancer or having bad marriages or affairs or going bankrupt.

JASON: … But you didn’t really know about adult stuff… So was it like, “Oh, George, where will I come up with the $14 to pay the mortgage this month?”

ME: … Pretty much, yeah.

QUOTE 2.

Set-up: Jason and I are going to do a work-out video together. I tell Jason to wait for me, because Eli wants to go on a Pajama Drive in the car. As we’re climbing in, Elias asks me why I’m working out so much.

Pay-off:

ME: I’m just trying to get healthier, so I can get a stronger heart and live longer for you guys. If I get a really strong heart, I can live nearly FOREVER.

ELIAS: But it’s not to lose weight and get skinny, right?

ME: Well, a little, yeah. I try to be skinny.

ELIAS: You can exercise for your heart, but you don’t need to get any skinnier. You are so perfect and beautiful right now, just how you are.

ME: Oh, Eli.– You are going to make some woman very happy one day.

QUOTE 3.

Set-up: Addie has a playdate with her neighborhood buddy, Maya. Her mother, Laura, and I are going to hang out too. After Addie walks in, she looks at Baby Jackson and asks what it is. A baby, we answer. Then she walks over to Jackson and stares at him.

Pay-off:

ADDIE: I’m going to kill you.

So we’re clear:

Yes. She said she was going to kill our neighbor’s baby.

Aftermath:

Lots of apologies. Total shock. Addie was genuinely confused; having no clue why that would be considered rude. I told Laura I think she’s been hearing Jason’s cop shows late at night, when she’s supposed to be asleep. What do you say? I’m so sorry my kid lacks appropriate conversational skills? I have to admit, though, later that night– recapping it to Jason, out of earshot, baby safe– I did laugh. It’s just so– unexpected. That’s the word I’ll go with.